When we get to my in-laws’ for Christmas, the men all go to the pub, leaving the women to manage the cooking, the children, the cleaning and everything else. It makes me furious but, as an ‘outsider’, I don’t feel I can say anything. Should I protest?
Lucy Beresford replies: Family traditions evolve for complex, often unconscious reasons, and changes can make people feel unsafe. However, as families integrate more ‘members’, I believe it’s reasonable to incorporate ideas from outside sources so that everyone has a chance of enjoying the season.
The person you need to talk to is your partner. You’re not an outsider in your marriage, so you and he can discuss as equals the fact that the current arrangement infuriates you. And, of course,he isn’t an outsider in his own family, so any suggestions for doing things differently could come from him, or from the two of you, as a united front. You may not see any changes (more-democratic Christmases may have to wait for the years when they’re held on your own turf), but at least you’ll have had a voice. Whether you two continue going to your in-laws’ in the future is another matter.
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