His father and I divorced when he was seven, and we have joint custody, but whenever my son is with me all I hear is how great his dad is, and what an awful parent I am. He refuses to help around the house and is extremely mean to his younger sister. He was recently cautioned by the police for shop-lifting. His father is half-heartedly supportive, but he also says I’m exaggerating the problem, and that I’m not assertive enough with the kids. But no punishments I hand out do any good in the long run. My son says he hates me and sometimes I really hate him. What can I do?
Lucy Beresford replies: I think it’s a very modern idea that children are expected to like their parents. I hope I don’t sound terribly old-fashioned here, but parenting is mainly about boundaries and unconditional love and frustrating unruly childish impulses. If our children end up liking us, that’s a bonus.
What I do hear is a teenager who is very skilled at playing one parent off against the other, so it’s a shame your ex-husband is only half-heartedly supportive. The shop-lifting and sibling hostility sound like your son is pushing at the boundaries of what is acceptable, and I admire you for trying to take a tough line.
Instead of liking you, we want to get him to respect you. This means you having to do some work on yourself to increase your self-respect, so that his accusations that you’re an awful parent cease to stick. It’s also crucial that children of all ages learn that their parents can tolerate being hated.
Abandoning your need for your son to like you will make it easier for you to be assertive with him. In turn he will come to see that you’re not a pushover, but that you’re a loving parent with principles, and gradually his respect for you will increase.
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