How can I get my 11-year-old son to bond with his baby half sister? I split up with his natural father when he was very young, and he has always got on well with his stepdad but, since our daughter was born, he has become withdrawn and sulky. He takes no interest in her, and acts up when visitors make a fuss over her. I want them to have a good relationship. What can I do?
Lucy Beresford replies: When a child has had 11 years of being the only child, the loss of this emotionally privileged status comes as a devastating blow. It explains why he is so sulky. He might be withdrawing because he fears being replaced. The more people make a fuss of the baby, the more this ‘proves’ to him that he is no longer required. He may even fear a repeat of the split that occurred between you and his natural father.
For a while, you and those around you need to overcompensate for this by being overly loving: cook his favourite food, buy him little gifts and make time for him. Your visitors need to be more tactful in your son’s presence and make a fuss of him, too. I know it sounds as though you’re pandering to him, but your son is frightened. His world has been rocked by a rival and he needs to feel reassured. Asking him to help when you’re feeding or changing the baby might also flatter his position of seniority.
You’ll never be able to do exactly what your son wants, which is to eliminate the rival. Understand this, and accept that bonding is a process that takes time and can’t be rushed. Even though he’s so much older than his stepsister, he is still a child, with only a child’s capacity for coping with radical change.
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