Does constant pressure to be the best give a child confidence in his or her ability to succeed? Or does it crush any curiosity or love of learning?
This is the dilemma at the heart of Amy Chua’s contentious book Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother (Bloomsbury). It maddens those of us who want to raise rounded, happy children, but it speaks to the part of us that wants our child to believe in himself and pursue excellence.
Do you think it might be nice to let your child learn a musical instrument? Don’t imagine that all you’ll have to do is install a piano and wait for the child to sit down and play. Music practice is hard work and usually requires a parent in the early stages to sit and say, now this scale. Try again with the right fingering. And again.
Sometimes the parent meets with extreme resistance, and you have to find a way to keep the child focused without getting cross. This is where parents like me wimp out, while Chua never backs down. Do I wish I could be more hard line? Sometimes.
This conflict is where Chua’s book has excited so much interest. Many of us, even if we don’t admit it, have a competitive streak that we channel through our children. But even if we could get them to practise the piano for two hours a day, would it be good for them?
‘Parents tend to be bad at recognising the child’s actual talent, rather than the talent they would like the child to have,’ says clinical psychologist Linda Blair, author of The Happy Child (Piatkus). ‘They can’t separate their wishes for the child from their own wishes.’
There’s nothing wrong with introducing your child to lots of different activities, Blair explains, to find something he or she loves doing. When they find that one thing, encourage them to pursue it by all means.
Chua bans her girls from playdates and days out with Grandma. But there is stuff children need to learn that isn’t about getting top marks in maths every time.
‘If the request is to be better than others in the class,’ says Blair, ‘you’re teaching the child to trample on others rather than on doing their personal best. We should be teaching kids to help others.’
Children need to learn social skills, says David Brooks, columnist with the New York Times: ‘Practising a piece of music for four hours requires focused attention, but it is nowhere near as cognitively demanding as a sleepover with 14-year-old girls.’
Chua describes childhood as a training period, but she is neglecting a whole area of her children’s development — skills that have nothing to do with being top.
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